Any ideas about how to support someone who is in grief? Here are some stories to consider.
Audio stories about grief:
http://www.npr.or
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http://www.npr.org/player/v2/mediaPlayer.html?action=1&t=1&islist=false&id=162304927&m=162304922
Even though I have been around death a lot in my life, I know that I don't grieve like I should. I repress my emotions and every now and then I am overcome with emotions. Since I don't think I deal with death in a good way, when I have to deal with someone who is grieving, the only thing I can do it empathize with them. Having faced death so much, I know quite a bit of different situations of death, and having witnessed the grieving processes of the people around me, I could give some insight into helping someone cope with death.
ReplyDeleteRecently, I lost a classmate of my graduating class at Bishop Hartley. Now I was not good friends with this young man who died in a canoe accident, but one of my best friends was, and he was on that canoe trip with him when it happened. Looking at my buddy Jacob having to deal with Danny's death was very hard. I was confused and did not know what to do. So, I was always the funny one in the group. I took Jacob to the Funnybone comedy club. Stand up comedy always cheered me up. We had a blast. Had some beers, laughed our butts off. He told me thank you after the show, and said that really helped clear his head for a while. It may not be the best method, but this is my only real experience with it. If I can be helpful doing something that I love, then that is awesome to me.
ReplyDeleteWe all grieve in different ways. I, personally, grieve quietly. I have been fortunate enough to not have lost anyone very close to me, but as I have said all semester, my grandmother is in her last few years of life. I know she is going to die, its just a matter of time. Some days are better than others, and I am lucky to still have her with me. With each milestone that happens with her- a surgery, doctors appointments that bring news of her quality of life, etc., I grieve a little bit more each time because it is almost like a precursor to death. Like you can see the figure of death down a long corridor and with every event he seems to be closer.
ReplyDeleteWhen you know someone close to you is going to die, it gives you time. Time to spend with them and to cherish what time you have left with your loved one, but it also gives you time to prepare for the impending death. There are days that I just want to scream and be nasty towards my grandmother because I have had to repeat myself eight thousand times, or because she got nasty with me (a side effect of her condition), but I try not to because what if that is the last thing I say to her? What if that is the last feeling I have towards her and then she's gone? These feelings cause me to grieve and reevaluate my time and feelings towards her.
But when it comes to someone dying suddenly, or having a friend lose someone they were close to, unexpectedly or not, the best thing I can do is to offer a shoulder to cry on if they need it and a big hug. Hugs are awesome because they can speak so much louder than words, especially in those moments where you don't know what to say. Sometimes you just need to sit and have a good cry with the person who is grieving. We all say, "Is there anything I can do for you" but you know that there really never is anything you can do besides be supportive. Like Morgan said, if you're the goofball of your group and can help heal through laughter, then that's what you need to do. If you have a lot of experience with death, like Kelsi, you can share your own experiences and maybe help someone that way. We all are unique, therefore, we all probably grieve in unique ways.
I deal with death a lot where I work and the best thing that I could advise is to show the person going through grief that you support them, care for them , and are there for them if they need anything. I know that many family members of residents that have passed have come up to me and thanked me for this, so I know it must mean a lot to them.
ReplyDeleteI think people grieve in so many different ways. In saying this i think the overall way to support someone os to give them their space when they need ot but be there for them as well when they need you. Empathizing with the individual to me is another key component in helpin them. With out that you can't truly know what that person is going through or how to connect with them in the right way.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with this especially the first part that people grieve in different ways. I put thought into this and realized that if you brought a dog in to talk to me about this...I would feel so much more comfortable. One of my best friends said he would love to have the conversations playing video games together for a reason I wasn't expecting from him. He said he would like to talk to me because he loves me like a brother, but said he couldn't talk to me about it while looking at me (hence looking at the television while playing the game). So everyone is going to be comfortable with different things and maybe if you get an idea of what makes them happy, you go do that or surround them in a comfortable atmosphere. I grieve for loved ones in a way that is completely unhealthy by letting it build up until I can't take it so everyone will always have a different way of going about it.
DeleteI also agree with this.
DeleteWhen I was in the 5th grade my best friend's mom passed away unexpectedly. She overdosed on her epilepsy medicine, and died in her sleep; completely and totally unexpectedly.
After that, I didn't know how to talk to Katie. We were extremely young, so I wasn't nearly mature enough to get into any of these discussions. In fact... she never even mentioned the passing of her mother. So I decided to just "give her space" as Ginny said--and we never really even talked about it.
About a year ago my Great Uncle Dale lost his wife. All he wants to talk about since then is her. Everything about her... Her favorite song, her favorite food, how she smelled--everything. He openly cries, openly prays.
I guess this is just the perfect example of how everyone copes differently. I honestly don't know how I would. I haven't had to deal with that kind of loss yet.
I too agree with Ginny. Not everyone is the same and sometimes people want their space and others want someone to be with them. It is important to figure out what the person wants. I know that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out what to say to someone who is grieving. I found that if you just listen to what the person wants to say it is helpful. Also, if the grieving is in relation to death then asking the grieving individual about what the deceased person was like, how they met, etc. can be helpful.
DeleteI think grief is as unpredictable, just like death I guess. The amount of grief you may experience relates to the kind of relationship you had to who or what was lost. So individuals won't just experience grief differently, but the individual will experience different times of grief differently. So how do we help someone going though this unpredictable emotion? I think Ginny and Cooper said it well that you let them know that you are there for them and support them when they need it. Grief is not an external thing like a skin abrasion that you can treat for it to heal. Yes it takes time, but it is internal and it is something no one on the outside knows what it needs. But if that person needs help, they will show that they do, and that's what you should be ready for.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, people deal with grief differently. Some people just need to cry, others need to talk, others need to throw things, be alone, surrounded by friends, etc. I think the best way to support someone grieving is to give them what they need. If they need to talk, then you need to only listen. It is easy for us to want to give our own stories, which can be helpful, but you do not need it to become all about you. If they need a verbal punching bag, then be there for them (within reason). Ask them what they need, not what you want to give and do not make assumptions about what they need. Be a friend.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tori when she said we all grieve in different ways. I also agree with Ginny that one of the best things to do would be to give someone space if they want it and not force yourself upon them to try to help. I personally have not dealt with a lot of death, but some of my friends have had parents, grandparents, and even siblings die. Through all of the hard times, my friends have always grieved in their own ways, but eventually come to someone to talk about it in a similar way to what Cooper was saying with the video games. They wanted to be engaged in something else to almost ease the tension and not make it so intensely focused on the death/grief
ReplyDeleteI am definitely not one to give advice on grieving, I know that my way of grieving is certainly not ideal. In general, I tend to not show emotions to people. I do not like exposing myself in that way. It makes me feel weak. I tend to put it out of my mind, and ignore it, until I am alone. I distract myself, and do not allow myself to think about it. Then when I am alone, I have bottled up my emotions to the point where they consume my every thought and I am unable to handle grief in a healthy manner. The reality is that everyone grieves in different ways. If someone is grieving, and needs their space, it is important to give them that space. I do believe that it is also important to talk about things. Sometimes just saying something out loud and expressing your feelings and emotions, confiding in another person perhaps, is enough to help ease the pain associated with grief. Just being there to support someone is sometimes all that it takes. It is important to realize that everyone handles grief differently, and helping someone through that requires a great deal of patience and understanding.
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